Alas, it's come to a point where I can't bear to attend Garden Valley School board meetings. Alas, and I mean alas, because I missed the big one! Lucky for me I have a snoop on the inside. Last night's meeting was the kicker, the whopper, the top banana slide right out the door. Out they all went. And can you blame them?
First, the newest recallee jumped the gun on the Chair of the board and announced that, although she knew it would deprive her slanderers of the joy derived from their energetic mission to rid the school of her efforts to represent her town as a volunteer board trustee, she was certain that her decision to let some other lucky person take her place was the right thing to do. "I am sorry to inform the board and the community that they won't be able to spend the $1,000 for the recall election, but I know I have made the correct ethical choice," she said. "If you try hard enough, you can find another way to burn up the cash."
The board chair was beside herself. She grabbed the microphone from the ex-recallee and sputtered, "So much for dramatic upstaging...well, I too have a declaration. I'm quitting this two-buck circus. Good-bye, farewell, it's been grand, but I can tell, it's been too long and it's been hell, good-bye, farewell, I'll sound the knell." She even hummed a little at the end, or so I hear.
Not to be outdone, the Superintendent, who doesn't need a mike, so articulate and richly-voiced is he, decided to intimidate no one no more nohow. He shouted "yehaw!, he pranced on tippeetoes across the room in front of all of those people who thought he was just another honky-tonk smooth-talkin' jerky spin-doctor. "We've spent all the money and the kids are singin' the blues but the Fiends have had their way so I'm taking a cruise...come on Suz."
I couldn't believe it when I heard he'd given up. My old pal who took advantage of me for so long--my gawd, we even watched a movie together, and here he was, leaving me in the dust of his slick "the coffee's always on" routine that made me believe he really liked me. Of course, I knew he said that to all the girls...and guys...and just about everyone he'd never met but wanted to, cuz he was the Super...and now, he's just a pooper.
At this point, the remaining three board members looked at each other and said, "What the heck are we doing here?" One trustee said, "Do we really want to sit here and be heckled and harassed and brow-beaten and humiliated, ridiculed and intimidated by the local paper and television crews and local residents who just love pushing their agenda to help the kids? Who wants to help the kids?"
Another said, "Well, I've got my own agenda but then again, can I trust anyone any more? What say, we take the money and run?" Another trustee warned, "I don't think we should do anything without my lawyer."
Undecided and without a quorum, the three sincere, hard-working volunteer trustees grabbed Paula Fox by the hand and zipped away through the window, looking for all the world like three children flying with some little elfy guy...so I hear tell~~~
(Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus, but our school board trustees do not create outrageous scenes (only I do), nor does our still-employed Superintendent prance tippeetoes through anything but his own backyard, to the distress of his wife, nor do our trustees fly through the air without the help of of wings made from already-counted ballots from our recall elections. No Virginia, this is only satire...and I regret wholeheartedly, for more than one reason, that I feel compelled to write this unintended epilogue.)